When I first started to write this post I said that I was amazed I've only posted photos once. But really I'm not amazed at all. I just tried to upload more and of course the computer timed out or the page was lost or any number of malfunctionings occurred and all that's left is a mild headache. I think I'll try to make an album on facebook instead. If it's not there, you can probably guess why.
I'm still not sure if it's safe to say that summer has arrived, because maybe it hasn't reached it's peak hotness. It's been pretty hot for a couple of weeks now though. Since I am not at all versed in celsius temperatures, I was kind of oblivious to the temperature when it started to heat up. When I finally did the conversion I was amazed to find that it had already reached 100 degrees. A few days ago I entered my room and thought "wow, it's pretty cool in here," which is not a normal feeling. I calculated the farenheit and it was actually 98 degrees. Funny how perspectives change. But really, it felt quite cool.
As always, I was inspired to tell you many things when I wasn't on the internet. But muses are fleeting and now I feel like going to the bathroom. haha... I am aware of the fact that for most people (perhaps even all people) when they think of what I'm doing their mind is swallowed by a void. Even though I've shared my daily schedule a few times, it's hard to understand what exactly these activities mean and especially how they are carried out. Two friends of mine visited me in Mathura for about 1 day in January. I bombarded them with everything I had been doing and learning the previous 3 months. By the time they left I felt as if they were going to explode, or maybe like I had just given them a very heavy sack of potatoes and they had no idea where to put them. Just imagine! A very heavy sack of potatoes with nowhere to go!!!! This is a little bit of what it's like for me at times, except maybe it's only a few potatoes but they are very very hot. Sometimes I just drop them on the floor. Is it clear that I'm not actually talking about potatoes, but spiritual life?
I used to think that we had to come up with all the answers ourselves. And of course the answers are limitless when we try to conceive of them. Everyone is busy answering the questions themselves. And of course I had so many questions. "must there be suffering for there to be happiness?" "why do bad things happen to good people" "whyyy is there suffering?" and on and on. Just like most people I was looking here and there. No one really had a straight answer. Everyone had their own answer, but then another person came along and refuted it or expanded on it, or it became outdated or it was vague, etc, etc. Unfortunately, we humans are imperfect, we are fallible. By the transitive property (still my favorite geometric property of all time), our answers to these questions are imperfect, incomplete and inadequate. Our massive egos help us ignore this quality of ours, but it is always there. Our answers are imperfect, our science is imperfect, everything we perceive with our senses, everything we calculate with our material vision, it is all imperfect. When my friends asked me how what I'm practicing here is different from any other spiritual path the answer for me was very clear: no question goes unanswered. What I never knew before was that God has given us all knowledge. All knowledge. Not a single question I've had in life has gone unanswered on this path. Some of the answers might be hard to swallow or hard to understand, but Truth hits your core and even if your mind can't wrap itself around the information, you know that it's you who is at fault, not the answer.
I used to think that truth was subjective, and in a sense it still is. In the Bhagavad Gita, God says that he will recipricate according to the level of love and devotion that is given to him. Because we each have a different desire and capacity to give ourselves to God, he reveals himself in different ways - he gives us different understandings of himself; some are more limited and some are more complete, but they are all God. The fullest, deepest and most complete understanding of all things is there. It exists. Ultimately, we do what satisfies us because this is what we are all seeking. happiness, love, satisfaction, fulfillment. We don't all find these in the same places. For me, Gaudiya Vaishnavism and the practice of bhakti goes deeper than anything else I've encountered. It is Pure Love. It's hard to write about because it is not something to be understood by the mind or intelligence. It is something that touches directly your soul. It is something that is nurtured in a different way in all of us. It is something that you must have faith in, or else it stays hidden in plain sight. I wish it were something I could truly share, but unfortunately all I can do is pass along philosophical points or historical information.
All I can say is that if you are searching, it will find you. If you are open, it will enter your heart. If you desire, love will manifest.
Friday, April 30, 2010
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
EEEEAAAAPFFTTKSMELA;LKJSFKNW;AXKJ
This is how I feel right now. There's so much to tell you!!! But I have to go buy some fruits and vegetables to take on our trip to Nepal tomorrow. "Nepal?! Cool! You're going to Nepal!" you're probably thinking. NOT COOL! With a tourist visa, one must leave the country every 6 months. This is poop. Also, a few months ago they made a policy that all tourists have to stay out of the country for 2 months. Even more poop! Apparently, this has since been changed again, but news travels slowly in India. So for the 12 hour bus ride or so we'll be praying that they let us immediately back in so that we can return to the lovely (and extremely noisy and polluted) Mathura. Pleading and bribing will most likely be involved.
I don't even know the last time I wrote anything in here. Unlimited apologies for this.
So....
Dec 17-Feb 16 I have been in Mathura having a blasty blast (as a close associate of mine would describe, I believe this chochacho knows who she is).
Feb 17-March 6 I was in Navadwip, West Bengal - where the greenish brown glow of coconuts call to the passerbys, monkeys as large as the biggest 7th grader in the class run through the streets (terrifying, though I was told they are very sweet natured), and mercy permeates the air like the mist of an orange when you squeeze it for some juice and then it sprays you in the eye and you're like "god damn," but then you know the juice is gonna be so good.
March 7-the present I have been back in Mathura/Govardhana continuing to have a blasty blast.
Along with having a blasty blast I also have painfully sorrowful and tremendously challenging moments. These I will have to explain in more detail later.
In a nutshell, the joys and challenges come from trying to develop a spiritual consciousness. As most endeavors in life, this one has natural challenges. These are most often exacerbated by me, however, due to my daggone propensity to seek perfection immediately in myself and to try to figure out everything in my brain. Do not do these things! They bring misery. Again and again and again I am forced to remind myself to have patience and to listen and nuture the goodness in my heart. Growth, however painful and confusing it may be, should be gradual and natural. I suppose I should also have a positive attitude, because I almost just wrote that I will surely forget all of this within the next hour, followed by more suffering. hahaha, oooooooh.
okay...maybe, maybe...maybe, just maybe I'll jot some notes while I'm on the bus to Nepal that I will share with you all when I get back to Mathura. and maybe pictures too?
Like always, I'm sending lots of love and hoping that everyone is well and that rainbow, glitter happiness is floating all around you.
love,
Kayleigh
I don't even know the last time I wrote anything in here. Unlimited apologies for this.
So....
Dec 17-Feb 16 I have been in Mathura having a blasty blast (as a close associate of mine would describe, I believe this chochacho knows who she is).
Feb 17-March 6 I was in Navadwip, West Bengal - where the greenish brown glow of coconuts call to the passerbys, monkeys as large as the biggest 7th grader in the class run through the streets (terrifying, though I was told they are very sweet natured), and mercy permeates the air like the mist of an orange when you squeeze it for some juice and then it sprays you in the eye and you're like "god damn," but then you know the juice is gonna be so good.
March 7-the present I have been back in Mathura/Govardhana continuing to have a blasty blast.
Along with having a blasty blast I also have painfully sorrowful and tremendously challenging moments. These I will have to explain in more detail later.
In a nutshell, the joys and challenges come from trying to develop a spiritual consciousness. As most endeavors in life, this one has natural challenges. These are most often exacerbated by me, however, due to my daggone propensity to seek perfection immediately in myself and to try to figure out everything in my brain. Do not do these things! They bring misery. Again and again and again I am forced to remind myself to have patience and to listen and nuture the goodness in my heart. Growth, however painful and confusing it may be, should be gradual and natural. I suppose I should also have a positive attitude, because I almost just wrote that I will surely forget all of this within the next hour, followed by more suffering. hahaha, oooooooh.
okay...maybe, maybe...maybe, just maybe I'll jot some notes while I'm on the bus to Nepal that I will share with you all when I get back to Mathura. and maybe pictures too?
Like always, I'm sending lots of love and hoping that everyone is well and that rainbow, glitter happiness is floating all around you.
love,
Kayleigh
Friday, January 15, 2010
Vyasa Puja
Anything of substance I could ever think to write would only be related to why I am in India and what I'm really doing - not the logistical descriptions I've been giving. This is the source of why I never write. Getting here and being here are both like an elaborate patchwork of mercy and desire.
First, why I am in India. Such an explanation is extremely overwhelming. The reasons are many and they increase with time. There are so many strands in my life that brought me here. The evolution of my religious and spiritual consciousness has been quite the whirlwind, weaving in and out of indifference, atheism, agnosticism, and now deep faith. My somewhat recent obsession with psychology and personality/ego development was like having a new pair of eyes and allowed me to see much deeper into myself and society as a whole. My experiences in the world of work and politics (dictionary.com explains: "use of intrigue or strategy in obtaining any position of power or control..." Meaning: liberals, conservatives, radicals - I was analyzing it all) was intellectually stimulating, but practically it always fell short. Social and political engagement was my vehicle for exploring solutions to suffering/violence and all of these strands combined fueled my search for peace. No matter what my interests or lenses for viewing the world were, I consistently and proudly wore the title of HIPPE (humans in pursuit of a peaceful existence). What I learned from each of these strands, though, was that what I truly sought was love. I saw that without this love- personally, interpersonally, socially- we have nothing. When there is no love there is only violence. So the culmination of all of my experiences, all of these ways of understanding the world, and all of my desires for peace and justice led me to one place: bhakti. Bhakti is pure love and devotion to God. "Who is God? He is the embodiment of love and affection" (from an interview with Srila Bhaktivedanta Narayana Gosvami Maharaja, http://www.purebhakti.com/mission/bhakti-is-love-mainmenu-75/821-interview-with-srila-bhaktivedanta-narayana-gosvami-maharaja.html ).
So the second enormous topic is what is in India: bhakti. Just as there are so many different strands that brought me here, there are innumerable ways to understand bhakti. It has historical, philosophical, scientific, and spiritual threads that together make up what it means to understand and practice bhakti. But the only thing that holds it all together is the heart. Today is Srila Bhaktivedanta Narayana Gosvami Maharaja's birthday. Narayana Maharaja is the primary guru in this line of Gaudiya Vaisnavism. Narayana Maharaja (or, Gurudeva, as he is called by those who are under his guidance for the development of their spiritual consciousness) is the reason I am in India. It is through Gurudeva and others who practice bhakti in its most pure form (a number that can be counted on one hand, as the rest of us are merely scrounging for the remnants of their unconditional love), that we are able to see our ultimate goal and that we are able to begin to understand what is love. Then there is the business of practicing love, which is another story altogether. So this is what I am attempting to do - to understand and practice love. What does this mean? It means humility, tolerance, selflessness. It means destroying the anger, greed, lust, bewilderment, and ignorance that control our behavior and perception of the world and our purpose in it. And how do we do this? We follow the familiar learning process that we're used to in all other endeavors of life, from learning to read to building space shuttles. We learn from a teacher, someone who has the skill we desire and the ability to transmit this to us. Practicing bhakti means hearing, remembering and, for those of us who are most fortunate, seeing what it means to come from a place of love. This is what I am doing in India. And I'm writing because I am grateful that someone would share this process with me. So, once again, Narayana Maharaja has given me the energy and the focus to achieve something that I've wanted to do for a very long time. Finally, I am sharing what is truly meaningful to me with you all. The rest of my goals (humility, restraint, selflessness, compassion, etc) will take longer to achieve, but I pray that I will continue to do this work and not be distracted by the nonsense that pulls us away from what we are all seeking: love.
So, there's no telling whether or not I will ever elaborate on any of these topics, which I truly want to do, but as I've explained, am far too lazy to accomplish. In any case, I hope this post has been somewhat coherent and that you accustomed yourself to my passion for parenthesis, commas and run on sentences. Until next time.
hare krishna,
Kayleigh
First, why I am in India. Such an explanation is extremely overwhelming. The reasons are many and they increase with time. There are so many strands in my life that brought me here. The evolution of my religious and spiritual consciousness has been quite the whirlwind, weaving in and out of indifference, atheism, agnosticism, and now deep faith. My somewhat recent obsession with psychology and personality/ego development was like having a new pair of eyes and allowed me to see much deeper into myself and society as a whole. My experiences in the world of work and politics (dictionary.com explains: "use of intrigue or strategy in obtaining any position of power or control..." Meaning: liberals, conservatives, radicals - I was analyzing it all) was intellectually stimulating, but practically it always fell short. Social and political engagement was my vehicle for exploring solutions to suffering/violence and all of these strands combined fueled my search for peace. No matter what my interests or lenses for viewing the world were, I consistently and proudly wore the title of HIPPE (humans in pursuit of a peaceful existence). What I learned from each of these strands, though, was that what I truly sought was love. I saw that without this love- personally, interpersonally, socially- we have nothing. When there is no love there is only violence. So the culmination of all of my experiences, all of these ways of understanding the world, and all of my desires for peace and justice led me to one place: bhakti. Bhakti is pure love and devotion to God. "Who is God? He is the embodiment of love and affection" (from an interview with Srila Bhaktivedanta Narayana Gosvami Maharaja, http://www.purebhakti.com/mission/bhakti-is-love-mainmenu-75/821-interview-with-srila-bhaktivedanta-narayana-gosvami-maharaja.html ).
So the second enormous topic is what is in India: bhakti. Just as there are so many different strands that brought me here, there are innumerable ways to understand bhakti. It has historical, philosophical, scientific, and spiritual threads that together make up what it means to understand and practice bhakti. But the only thing that holds it all together is the heart. Today is Srila Bhaktivedanta Narayana Gosvami Maharaja's birthday. Narayana Maharaja is the primary guru in this line of Gaudiya Vaisnavism. Narayana Maharaja (or, Gurudeva, as he is called by those who are under his guidance for the development of their spiritual consciousness) is the reason I am in India. It is through Gurudeva and others who practice bhakti in its most pure form (a number that can be counted on one hand, as the rest of us are merely scrounging for the remnants of their unconditional love), that we are able to see our ultimate goal and that we are able to begin to understand what is love. Then there is the business of practicing love, which is another story altogether. So this is what I am attempting to do - to understand and practice love. What does this mean? It means humility, tolerance, selflessness. It means destroying the anger, greed, lust, bewilderment, and ignorance that control our behavior and perception of the world and our purpose in it. And how do we do this? We follow the familiar learning process that we're used to in all other endeavors of life, from learning to read to building space shuttles. We learn from a teacher, someone who has the skill we desire and the ability to transmit this to us. Practicing bhakti means hearing, remembering and, for those of us who are most fortunate, seeing what it means to come from a place of love. This is what I am doing in India. And I'm writing because I am grateful that someone would share this process with me. So, once again, Narayana Maharaja has given me the energy and the focus to achieve something that I've wanted to do for a very long time. Finally, I am sharing what is truly meaningful to me with you all. The rest of my goals (humility, restraint, selflessness, compassion, etc) will take longer to achieve, but I pray that I will continue to do this work and not be distracted by the nonsense that pulls us away from what we are all seeking: love.
So, there's no telling whether or not I will ever elaborate on any of these topics, which I truly want to do, but as I've explained, am far too lazy to accomplish. In any case, I hope this post has been somewhat coherent and that you accustomed yourself to my passion for parenthesis, commas and run on sentences. Until next time.
hare krishna,
Kayleigh
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)