"Vertebrae by Vertebrae" - Bjork, from Volta

Vertebrae by Vertebrae - YouTube

I was drawn to this song recently, perhaps because of its intimate relationship to "Pluto." Like "Pluto," it explores the tension between True Self and False Self, but in more depth. Whereas "Pluto" is built up momentum culminating in the explosion of all false sense of reality, "Vertebrae by Vertebrae" explores the constriction we feel when we are trapped in the limitations of Ego.

The wind and crashing waves invoke an ocean cliff. "Up on the toe" stands a character with a desperate desire. She desires the perspective and guidance of the True Self. She is there looking out with her "spine straight and erect." This is the yogi, the seeker. I associate the imagery of the spine with the practice of meditation. One of the essential techniques for most meditative practices is to have the spine straight and erect. This allows for an ease of movement between the chakras and other energy systems of the body; it is an essential element in achieving the goal of meditation: union of all of the different energies, open, free-flowing communication. Wholeness. Harmony. Unity within and without.

The seeker stands on the toe, "hungry and curious." She has desire - the hunger to know Self, to be aligned. And she is curious. This is key! It means she is open. No knowledge, no understanding, nothing will come unless you are open. If you are up on the toe with a closed mind, thinking you have all of the answers, thinking there is no mystery, then you will not receive. If you are seeking the True Self, then will, desire, openness and humility are always required of you. She is there, hungry and curious, looking forward to....the explosion of her body, perhaps?

Then there is a second character: a beast on four legs. This to me is the False Self. I would definitely make a distinction here of a bestial identity vs. an animal identity. Animals do not live in a self-imposed dysfunction. They do not live all moments of their consciousness in fear, stress, or anxiety. They do not worry about there not being enough, they do not wonder if they've made mistakes, they do not harbor anger, resentment, pain, sadness. They are present to the moment - trusting, authentic, harmonious. The beast, on the other hand, is insatiable, voracious. Always wanting more. To a beast, all things are an enemy, all moments are discontented. The beast self is trapped, it does not have access to the infinite possibility birthed from relaxation, divine union, connection. Humans as animals are not predestined to live a bestial existence. In fact, if we were more consciously connected to the actual animal experience, it would help us achieve more balance within physical matter. When we deny all things, when we move through life with any form of resistance, this is the beast self - the structure we become imprisoned by as we search for our freedom.

Bjork now explains that the character "came here to lose face. Got down on her knees." Here I see surrender. Again, great humility which was earlier coupled with the seeker's curiosity. But this surrender, which is a very very high thing, is now associated with identification with the beast figure. This juxtaposition perhaps speaks to the journey we find ourselves on as Spirit. Spirit is eternal. It moves in and out of material existence, but has no end or beginning. Entering into material existence, we forget our origin in spirit. Our truth is covered by the material existence, and as our attention shifts to the dense matter we find ourselves in, we become ignorant of our eternal and unconditional grounding in Spirit. This act of entering the material is humbling - we eat, shit, pee, fuck. We enter the realm of the animal, a realm where we risk identification with the beast. In this act of surrender, we accept the limitations of the animal identity (physical form), in order to experience ourselves as Divine creators (with spine straight and erect).

Exploring the infinite depths of our Selves, as the seeker does, brings many challenges. It seems we are continually swallowed up by our bestial identifications. We lose trust in ourselves and in the process of life itself. Without the consciousness of our true natures and true identities, we feel as though the weight of the earth is on us. In the song the experience is described as being "filled with steam." It builds, it feels tight, heavy, constricted, ready to explode. It is a very stark contrast to the feeling of being Brand New, which was achieved in "Pluto." Here, Bjork brings the feeling of being trapped in limitations and fears into focus.

"same old cloud, claustrophobic me" the seeker admits, consumed by bestial pressures. I find easy association of this line with an Osho Zen Tarot card I draw far too often. The card represents the Page of Clouds (traditionally the suit of Swords). It is titled "Mind." It reads, "This is what happens when we forget that the mind is meant to be a servant, and start to allow it to run our lives. The head is filled with mechanisms, the mouth is ranting and raving, and the whole surrounding atmosphere is being polluted by this factory of arguments and opinions." Osho explains, "...you will be surprised what goes on inside your mind. It remains in the background, it is constantly there, it surrounds you like a cloud. With this cloud you cannot know reality; you cannot attain to spiritual perception." The seeker feels the pain of this claustrophobia. "Let it burst like old train sounds" is the plea. "Make them leave me, nature." Is she asking? Can we call on the great Mother Earth to relieve our pain? To enter us and free us of the beast? I do and that shit works!! God damn the vocals after this line!!! amazing.

"My arms ooze out of my shoulders," a reminder that I am not a beast on four legs. Vertebrae by vertebrae I stand, straighten my spine, my arms ooze out of my shoulders and I am a human angel. I pray, "please release this pressure off me. release. Let off some steam."

The seeker also sets "her clock to the moon." This stands out very strongly to me. I recently learned about the 13 moon calendar, a "biologically accurate solar-lunar calendar." The 13 moon calendar corresponds to a measurement of time that aligns with the earth's movement in relation to the solar system's movement (and beyond), as opposed to the 12 month calendar which arbitrarily divides days within the a solar year. Setting one's clock to the moon, in a very literal sense, would mean to use the 13 moon natural time calendar (see 13 Moon Natural Time Calendar for more info). I have found the calendar to be an unfathomably useful tool in creating harmony within the self and between the self and outer world.

If you seek, set your clock to the moon. Extend your spine and listen with hungry curiosity. But beware, "the air is thinner here." Be gentle with yourself on this journey. Take your time, rest, reflect, integrate. and on and on.

You must listen to this song if you haven't already. The lyrics follow:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MZvEcjUKXR0

up-on-the-toe
is a view
up-on-the-toe
and the spine straight and erect
hungry and curious
up-on-the-toe
looking forward to

...the air is thinner here...

she came here to lose face
got down on her knees
the beast is back
on 4 legs
set her clock to the moon
raises her spine
vertebrae by vertebrae
up-on-the-toe
looking...

I have been filled with steam
for months for years
same old cloud, claustrophobic me
let it burst like old train sounds
make them leave me, nature

vertebrae by vertebrae by vertebrae
by vertebrae by vertebrae

my arms ooze out of my shoulders
and the arms ooze out of my shoulders
I curl my tail inwards, inwards
set my clock to the moon
vertebrae by vertebrae

please release this pressure off me
please release this pressure off me
please. this pressure off me. release.

let off some steam

up-on-the-toe

same old cloud, claustrophobic me

and the spine straight and erect

hungry and curious

looking forward to...

"Pluto" by Bjork

Excuse me
but I just have to
explode
explode this body
off me

I'll be brand new
brand new tomorrow
a little bit tired
but brand new


There are days when I wake up refreshed. My eyes open and they feel beauty. It does not matter what they see, they just filter in beauty. The air has power. It fills me with energy and promise of joy for the day ahead. It is waking up with a feeling of spaciousness - there is room all around me. It is the spaciousness that brings delight. A citrus curiosity for what's to come. Lively living. The space is freedom. Freedom to Be. Freedom to express. This is Life. I wake up and delight at the opportunity to explore and express.

Other days I wake up tired. Still feeling the weight from the day before, I open my eyes and I am in a room - doesn't matter where - but the spaciousness is not there. It is more like the feeling of waking up in a hamster cage. I get up and I feel heavy, slow. Everything feels heavy. Monotone. There is no freshness. I have forgotten how much excitement there is in me, how much genius, how much newness. I have forgotten the truth that opens me up to the spaciousness.

There is something I frequently forget about time: it only exists RIGHT NOW. Right now has never happened before. Right now well never happen again. Right now is the only thing that exists is this moment in time. In this understanding, nothing else beyond this moment is real, therefore has no basis in reality. There is no such thing as Kayleigh from yesterday or Kayleigh in 5 months. There is only Here, Now.
When this perspective gets buried under my shoulda, woulda, coulda's and couldn'ts, cant's and other cantankerous mind chatter, life no longer feels expansive and abundant. It then feels limited.

This is where Bjork comes in: in the moment of remembrance; in the (re)realization that I am more than my past, more than my fantasized future, more than my thoughts, more than what I see. "Excuse me, but I just have to explode this body." The body is not what I am. The junk of limitations are not what I am. I am Infinite. I am Free. I am a glorious expression of all that is ME. Of course. Once you explode your body, once you become Present and enter the here and now, you'll be "brand new." Then you feel your freshness. It is the experience of rebirth everyday. Can you comprehend the exhilaration of rebirth everyday? My god. A cascade of newness. Gusts of mystery, the winds of the unknown. In a trusting spirit this is the tantalizing aphrodisiac of life: opportunity. Opportunity for anything! Then everything is brand new. Everything around you takes on the fresh quality. You are no longer bound by the confines of your limitations. You may wake up to do the same thing everyday, but you are no less brand new, no less free, no less mysterious. You are still there, infinite potential, infinite opportunity for new experience.

All you have to do is explode your body. This is the act of entering Presence. Leave everything behind. The body as metaphor for our historical and fictional vehicle of our mind; the suitcases we fill with our memories and expectations. All the limitations we pack with us on this journey through life. The things that weigh us down, that create constriction, that turn living into surviving. When you explode out of all of these things, you are brand new. And what can be said of something that is brand new? Not very much. It has to be experienced first. Experience this moment in its fullness, without limitations, without expectations.

This process is invigorating when it happens. It seems as though things could not be any other way. But then without notice, I realize I've been waking up in the monotony of my movements again. This is, perhaps, where more care and attention are needed. The experience of being brand new is still something I am learning to consciously direct - to remember to explode my body. Bjork speaks of being "a little bit tired" after this process. While I experience Presence as the invigorating breath of life, this line reminds me of the ebb and flow of experience. The Yin and Yang. The Masculine and Feminine. I seem to get caught up in the renewed sense of excitement of the mystery and opportunity of living, that it doesn't take long to crash afterwards. This is certainly a place that requires more of my attention. Stillness. Rest. Reflection. Rejuvenation. It is important to honor and listen to the continual cycle of the process of rebirth. We experience the explosive joy of being brand new, and then we rest and integrate the depths that we were able to explore in this openness. Thanks, Bjork, for reminding me.

Why Babies are Magical

Babies are magical because we connect so easily to their Love, their Essence. A baby does not keep the door to its Love locked. Whosoever desires may enter and immediately is showered with Love. A baby does not know itself as its body, does not perceive separation. A baby is a more clear reminder that "We are not human beings having a spiritual experience; we are spiritual beings having a human experience" (Pierre Teilhard de Chardin). Perhaps we are not conscious of this, and that is why the baby is magic. When with a baby, there is no need of this knowledge, no need of conscious affirmation of this understanding. We FEEL it. We hold the baby and we know we are holding perfection. We know we are holding something Divine.

Babies are magical because they allow us to enter the land beyond expectations and judgments. With a baby, we naturally celebrate ALL that it is. Love pours from our cells, flows from our glances and we are caught showering the baby with Love. Unlike in our other adult relationships (or even with Children), where we apply many conditions to the act of giving love, babies beckon us to do it freely. This is freedom: to Love without condition.

We see the baby and are overcome by the magnificence of creation and existence. But what are we celebrating? If it were the matter itself, we would get the same sensation from any material object. But although the baby resides in a divine temple that is its body, it is not only the temple we admire and love; it is the indwelling consciousness, the spirit of Life. We see it, in its full potential. We look at the baby and know anything is possible. It is a celebration of Life.

And what allows us to be so open with the baby. Because the baby is still identified with its Essence. We know it carries no judgments, no static presuppositions about us. The baby is open to receive all. A baby does not care about the size of our nose, the state of our teeth, the clothes that we wear or the cut of our hair. The baby shows up with a heart fully open to receive. The baby offers love unconditionally to us, as we are able to offer it to the baby.

A baby distributes delight. How? Because a baby delights in all things. As a conscious understanding we know this is possible because God is in all things, God is all things. So the undiluted/unconditioned response to all things can only be delight - a joyful celebration of Spirit's manifestation in the world of things. This is a baby's smile.

Babies are fearless. They explore the unknown in their every movement and every glance. They experience the mystery of living, which is the truth of experience. The Truth is that it is always a mystery. The baby loves us fearlessly. A baby isn't worried about what it is wearing. It doesn't do anything special to attract your love. It fearlessly receives and accepts all things. It lays gleefully as you wipe its butt clean, laughing, giggling in its nude vulnerability. Imagine such freedom. A baby is not deciding what to love and how to be loved, the baby IS Love, knows this and lives it. Can we live Love too? Surely this is what we are here to do.

And so it is that babies are magical. It is also why they are the world's greatest teacher when we are open, humble and courageous enough to listen. They teach us what freedom really is.

Initial Teachings

The more I focus on my own healing, the more I encounter the myriad of ways to move closer to the wholeness and harmony we seek within ourselves and outside of ourselves. Books, classes, retreats, activities, exercises, meditations, programs, philosophies, communities - they all have something to contribute to the wayward journeyer on the path of Discovery.

Almost all of the guidance I have encountered has genuinely urged the seeker towards a more balanced life and a healthier, more peaceful perspective of reality. Yet despite all of my searching, studying, and growth I seem to walk into the same corners: anxiety, stress, restlessness, isolation, doubt. Luckily I am again and again reminded of my way. The message finds me and like a compass makes the path clear once again: the way of Love.

The purpose of self-help books, the purpose of spirituality, the purpose of healing, the purpose of New Age philosophy, the purpose of self-exploration, the purpose of metaphysical exercises, the purpose of all of the teachings I have come across all have the same goal: Love. But we have turned our attention away from Love. We have been focused on our fears, our doubts, our pain. If someone were to see us and just say "Love," it can be as helpful as if they had said "unicorn." Of course, if we are somewhat in touch with past experiences of love or if we are open to receiving love in that moment, we do get some sense of the directive to love. But the goal is Love 24/7 x infinity. This is a very big shift for most of us. So the teachings step in. Love, let's begin.

You find yourself in this body. It is a part of your material existence. Love it. Treat it well. Honor it. Allow complete love for all of its expression: your eyes, your nose, mouth, legs, the hairs on your chin, the curve in your back, the length of your toes, the fat on your thigh. Love it all.
Listen to it. What does it need? Give it those things. Feed it those foods that nurture it and make it feel strong, balanced. You will know what these are if you listen and pay attention. Fruits, vegetables, whole grains, nuts, seeds. Food from the Earth.
Move your body. Nature is in a constant state of movement. Your body is a part of this dance. Move it. Notice how it feels. Its energy wants to express, flow, shift, change. Listen to what it needs. Use your body. Move your body in any way that fits your desire: sex, walking, skipping, jumping, climbing, swimming, swaying, ballet-ing, balancing, stretching, dancing, hugging, massaging, rolling, bowling. Move it as much as you can. It will tell you what it needs.

Your mind - silence it. Reality exists only in this moment. If you have traveled to the past or future, you may be avoiding the present reality. Silence the mind and access what is waiting to be seen and heard underneath the chatter and time-travel. You might find: a body that wants to move, a memory that wants to be released, pain that wants forgiveness, a dream that wants attention, a longing that wants to be expressed, exhaustion that wants some rest.
Silence the mind in order to access the Present. There you will discover your next step: the authentic request you are asking of yourself when you are not drowning in the fearful chatter of your mind. Whatever you meet in your mind, whatever you access when your mind is still and spacious and silent, OFFER IT LOVE. Meet it with Love. Only Love. Bring nothing but Love.

You are spirit. YOu have felt it. You have felt it in joy, in laughter, in acceptance, in forgiveness, in release, in gratitude, in nature, in your body, in another, in the stars, in a leaf, in a taste, in silence, in stillness. This peace, this joy, this acceptance, it is Spirit. You have felt it. Perhaps not for a long time, not since childhood; perhaps yesterday; perhaps today. This is you. This is your eternal self. This is what is there ready to express at all moments if you allow it. Joy in all moments, acceptance in all moments, peace in all moments, beauty in all moments, spaciousness in all moments. This is Spirit. Spirit is always there.

Why? Why all of this? For Love. Love is what you are. Love is all things. Love is the beginning. Love is the end. Love is everything in between. When it seems there is no love, it is because we have forgotten. We have believed ourselves something incomplete. We have forgotten that we are Love. So we get lost. We think something is missing; we think there is something else we need; we think there is danger; we think there are mistakes; we think some things are bad; we think some things are wrong; we think something is limited; we think there won't be enough; we think there is an end. That's why there are these books/teachings/guides. TO REMIND US. To remind us of what we know. The problem I encounter is that I forget the "why," the Love part. I know the many components of honoring my True Self, but then I get lost in the process. Judgments enter. Fear enters. I am left perplexed, "I know the tools, why do I still feel disconnected?" Because I have forgotten the "why." I have forgotten the Love. I have turned the process into a goal. I have turned the tools into a machine. I have forgotten the Truth. I have forgotten Love. As we move toward our wholeness, we must never forget what it is all for. We must always come back to Love. Always. This must be a priority. You must find a way to remember this one thing only. Then everything else carries you towards it. Then everything is only a reminder that Love is here now. Love is all there is. Live it.

With Love,
Kayleigh