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Wednesday, August 28, 2013
My Deepest desire
My deepest desire the one that
i try never to listen to
is to get rid of everything
completely obliterate the past
i try never to listen to
is to get rid of everything
completely obliterate the past
perhaps....I don't have to be an ascetic to do that
but no!! this is my deepest desire
to own absolutely nothing
well, yes. except maybe a toothbrush....
to own absolutely nothing
well, yes. except maybe a toothbrush....
i even despise the fact that i have to brush my teeth!
no, the fact that my teeth could fall out if I don't brush them!
My Deepest Desire
"Free falling, complete" - Björk
"Free falling, complete" - Björk
my deepest desire: to only experience joy....
it's true. joy feels so good!
There are so many different feelings that could arise alongside crying...
but usually crying feels good too.
Wednesday, May 1, 2013
Soul Resonance
Our madness is the path to our sanity. We either self-destruct or integrate, either way we come back as One. Now that's Mercy.
Curiosity and passion for Earth Consciousness and Love of Humanity led me to Masanobu Fukuoka's writing. Scrolling to the incorrect chapter, I read:
Curiosity and passion for Earth Consciousness and Love of Humanity led me to Masanobu Fukuoka's writing. Scrolling to the incorrect chapter, I read:
"Relative thought and discernment do not bring us closer to the true answers, through their judgment of things. Rather, they simply increase the causes of suffering.
The only method for clarifying and resolving things is to return to the one mind that lies at the source of all things, the mind of no-self. There is no other way. If they do not understand this, people cannot know anything or do anything. That is to say. people have neither known anything nor done anything. But it can also be said that there is no one who understands this fact.
People think they understand life and death, but they do not understand true life and death. In essence, there are not two sides, life and death, to human life. The one true life is divided by human knowledge into the two sides of life and death, and life is only life in relation to death. They can only see one side at a time and therefore cannot see the whole. They are only under the illusion that they have grasped the fundamental life."
This and further excerpts reminded me of a journal exercise of mine from March 11th this year - one of the most esoteric subconscious writings I had encountered from my right hand. Kayleigh first wrote to herself:
"Time to let go of Fear of Success, Fear of Loss, Fear of Failure. Time to invest in me, life energy. Fearlessly. Courageously. Do you even know what I mean? No. Kayleigh, I want to have a message for you. Do you? I do. Do you? It's true? Do you? actually, I don't know, so here we go"
I then consciously gave my expression over to something outside of my own mind, though obviously still related to it. This was the message:
"Life does not exist, neither does death. You do not control, neither do you decide. You are a seed in the wind, have not tasted your own fruit. How can you name your qualities without the fruit having fallen from the tree? What do you know of Me? Why are you begging for juice that does not exist? Fruit does not bear just because you persist. Do you not trust in nature, Myself? You do not think the seed has within itself the Knowledge to grow? You think your thoughts can make apples appear instantaneously? You think your desire is magic? You are confusing time. Growth is Divine. The plant is in no hurry. What do think is missing? All is contained within. Trust me in all matters of movement. If you can trust, you will see. Speed is Me. I never let my seed dry. Your tears do not make it grow. It does not need your water. My seeds grow in joy, patience, passion, neutrality - Presence. They have nowhere to go. Self-generating. Accepting. You are confused because you are lost in Death; Accept. Everyone is a seed in my forest. There is no time."
For the first time, I did not comprehend the message I was given. I thought that perhaps since I was so eager for a message, my conscious mind forced these thoughts out, stripping them of the purity I recognize when an understanding/teaching comes greater than one my egoic identity can produce. I am fascinated to read Fukuoma's writings. To me, they come from the same breath as my journal exercise. The more I strip away that which does not serve me, the stronger comes the message: there is absolutely nothing I need outside of myself to find my own Harmony. The more courage I apply in expressing my internal longings, innocence and Divine inheritance, the more I will come to experience the Intelligence that bestows peace, clarity and love. Fukuoka says,
"If we devote ourselves wholeheartedly to life, death disappears, and if we know the true aspect of the world, then the world after death will vanish. If we look with the eyes of God (no-mind), there is neither life nor death, this world nor a hereafter. All there is is the life of this world."
The world of life and death does not exist. All there is is Life. Void and Love are the same. I know exactly how to devote myself wholeheartedly to life, but I cower at the opportunity and die at my own expense. I guess I have more patience than I thought. Even though I am still guided by fears, I know I am moving towards my Heart; there is no other place I can go.
The world of life and death does not exist. All there is is Life. Void and Love are the same. I know exactly how to devote myself wholeheartedly to life, but I cower at the opportunity and die at my own expense. I guess I have more patience than I thought. Even though I am still guided by fears, I know I am moving towards my Heart; there is no other place I can go.
Wednesday, April 24, 2013
an old musing on Ego
It seems like a no brainer to me that the shoes I wear should be comfortable. Yet a great deal of people are walking around everyday in shoes that cause them pain. Some people go so far as to wear shoes that become so uncomfortable the person ends up taking them off and walking barefoot. The result is a pair of shoes that serves its opposite purpose. Uncomfortable shoe buying, a practice primarily driven by the female gender, is perplexing to me. Shoes + Feet + Comfort seems like an equation everyone would understand and seek out.
The practice is perplexing, yes, but not surprising. I grew up watching those around me wearing uncomfortable shoes. Women at work wear uncomfortable shoes, women going out on the weekend wear uncomfortable shoes, women in magazines wear uncomfortable shoes, women in movies wear uncomfortable shoes; there are women everywhere wearing uncomfortable shoes! Uncomfortable shoes, given this structure, are a social comfort.
This process and predicament heavily parallels my understanding of personality structures. A personality is a concept and associated behaviors that run in patterns, are motivated by desires, driven by fears and provide very little in the way of spontaneity and freedom. We each have a personality to the extent that we identify with anything. It is the "I am (fill in the blank)" as opposed to the "I AM."
Why do we have personalities? Because those around us have personalities. People we work with have personalities, people who go out on the weekends have personalities, people in magazines have personalities, people in movies have personalities; people everywhere have personalities! We love personalities, we glorify personalities, but most of all, we are unaware of personalities. Living beyond the structure and limits of personality then becomes quite a challenge.
It is said that personalities grow out of our natural temperaments. As children, even infants, we notice that some things come easily to us and we begin to identify and rely on these behaviors and attitudes as a way to survive in the world around us. The qualities we admire as adults, such as serenity, harmony, authenticity, etc etc, are not always nurtured in us as developing children, so our natural responses become more narrow as we feel less safe express our Truth. Our personality is like a cast. In those moments where our needs could not be provided for and we experienced stress or trauma, we looked to our personality to help us respond and protect our wounds. Falling out of contact with our wholly open and vulnerable selves, we began to cultivate patterns that helped us respond to the fears we confronted in daily life: not having enough, not being competent, not receiving love or not being seen as valuable. In moments where we feel cut off from our Essential needs (Love, freedom, clarity, value, etc), we have simultaneously lost contact with our Essential Selves (the "I AM"). In place of true contact with our Essence, we begin to rely on our personality structure.
The personality (ego), then, is not an enemy. It began as a trusted friend we could rely on when we perceived a threatening separation from Essence. As we mature, however, we have the capacity to re-connect with the Essential Self. As adults, continuing to rely on our personalities to respond to the world is like wearing a cast even after the bone has healed (or wearing shoes that are entirely uncomfortable). They restrict us. They create situations that are the opposite of what we truly desire. The personality becomes a hindrance, just as a cast denies the full range of mobility available to the body. While focusing on being joyful in the face of overwhelming pain was a sensible alternative in childhood, now it keeps my range of emotions and experiences very narrow. While working hard to achieve something in order to experience a deeper sense of value was useful in the past, now i am out of touch with my inherent value and am patterned to only find my value in the things that I do. Keeping quiet and out of the way helped keep stress and conflict down in the house growing up, but now I am afraid to participate in my own life for fear of causing upset to others. As adults, our personalities have been given full ownership of who we are. Anything beyond them feels threatening. This is, again, not because there is anything wrong with the personality or because it is a scheming evil-doer, but because from the ego's perspective, nothing else exists beyond itself. It is merely trying to prevent our complete obliteration.
The practice is perplexing, yes, but not surprising. I grew up watching those around me wearing uncomfortable shoes. Women at work wear uncomfortable shoes, women going out on the weekend wear uncomfortable shoes, women in magazines wear uncomfortable shoes, women in movies wear uncomfortable shoes; there are women everywhere wearing uncomfortable shoes! Uncomfortable shoes, given this structure, are a social comfort.
This process and predicament heavily parallels my understanding of personality structures. A personality is a concept and associated behaviors that run in patterns, are motivated by desires, driven by fears and provide very little in the way of spontaneity and freedom. We each have a personality to the extent that we identify with anything. It is the "I am (fill in the blank)" as opposed to the "I AM."
Why do we have personalities? Because those around us have personalities. People we work with have personalities, people who go out on the weekends have personalities, people in magazines have personalities, people in movies have personalities; people everywhere have personalities! We love personalities, we glorify personalities, but most of all, we are unaware of personalities. Living beyond the structure and limits of personality then becomes quite a challenge.
It is said that personalities grow out of our natural temperaments. As children, even infants, we notice that some things come easily to us and we begin to identify and rely on these behaviors and attitudes as a way to survive in the world around us. The qualities we admire as adults, such as serenity, harmony, authenticity, etc etc, are not always nurtured in us as developing children, so our natural responses become more narrow as we feel less safe express our Truth. Our personality is like a cast. In those moments where our needs could not be provided for and we experienced stress or trauma, we looked to our personality to help us respond and protect our wounds. Falling out of contact with our wholly open and vulnerable selves, we began to cultivate patterns that helped us respond to the fears we confronted in daily life: not having enough, not being competent, not receiving love or not being seen as valuable. In moments where we feel cut off from our Essential needs (Love, freedom, clarity, value, etc), we have simultaneously lost contact with our Essential Selves (the "I AM"). In place of true contact with our Essence, we begin to rely on our personality structure.
The personality (ego), then, is not an enemy. It began as a trusted friend we could rely on when we perceived a threatening separation from Essence. As we mature, however, we have the capacity to re-connect with the Essential Self. As adults, continuing to rely on our personalities to respond to the world is like wearing a cast even after the bone has healed (or wearing shoes that are entirely uncomfortable). They restrict us. They create situations that are the opposite of what we truly desire. The personality becomes a hindrance, just as a cast denies the full range of mobility available to the body. While focusing on being joyful in the face of overwhelming pain was a sensible alternative in childhood, now it keeps my range of emotions and experiences very narrow. While working hard to achieve something in order to experience a deeper sense of value was useful in the past, now i am out of touch with my inherent value and am patterned to only find my value in the things that I do. Keeping quiet and out of the way helped keep stress and conflict down in the house growing up, but now I am afraid to participate in my own life for fear of causing upset to others. As adults, our personalities have been given full ownership of who we are. Anything beyond them feels threatening. This is, again, not because there is anything wrong with the personality or because it is a scheming evil-doer, but because from the ego's perspective, nothing else exists beyond itself. It is merely trying to prevent our complete obliteration.
Keeping it Raw
At times I wonder if expressing my perceptions and emotions would help them flow and deter egoic control of reality. So here are some ideas:
There is a place I am searching for
nameless like the wind
so simple
you needn't bring a thing.
There is nothing we have to do there
nothing is missing among our presence,
and everything we do is play.
There is no agenda,
there is no dress code.
No skills or expertise or experience is required;
Just humanity
because we are all the same.
There is no agenda
because we already have everything we need.
Everyone wants to put me in a box.
Of course they do!!!
That's where I think I live.
"What do you do?"
Let me tell you!
"What do you like to eat?"
Here's what!
"Where are you from?"
I've got an answer!
Every affirmation implies a negation
Can I enjoy everything that is served?
Can I make my home in all places?
Can I be new everyday?
Why do I choose "no" even before I start?
I am thru with limitations
I choose everything
My True Lover
I don't have to look for you in any place
You are already here, with me
In the glance of a stranger
a kiss from a fleeting lover
in the accidental touch of two arms, sly love exchange
If I search for you, I will live blind.
If I try to keep you, my heart runs dry.
I don't have to look for you in any place
You are already here, with me
Why do I hide my body?
I don't even want to show it off
with heels that strain weight, create curves in calves
or props that push, hoist and press flesh
It's not that I have something to show
I just don't want to hide
the beauty of its vulnerability
the grandiosity of its Humanity
Where is Freedom when flesh is forbidden?
Why don't I restore the innocence of nature
and let it all hang out?
A message I had for another soul, who once explained that poetry is always written to oneself even if addressed to another:
"Just by Living - accepting the Gift of Life - you merit all of the Love of God." There is no act that can increase your value, for your value is inherent in your Being, and can never be struck. Perfection is You.
There is a place I am searching for
nameless like the wind
so simple
you needn't bring a thing.
There is nothing we have to do there
nothing is missing among our presence,
and everything we do is play.
There is no agenda,
there is no dress code.
No skills or expertise or experience is required;
Just humanity
because we are all the same.
There is no agenda
because we already have everything we need.
Everyone wants to put me in a box.
Of course they do!!!
That's where I think I live.
"What do you do?"
Let me tell you!
"What do you like to eat?"
Here's what!
"Where are you from?"
I've got an answer!
Every affirmation implies a negation
Can I enjoy everything that is served?
Can I make my home in all places?
Can I be new everyday?
Why do I choose "no" even before I start?
I am thru with limitations
I choose everything
My True Lover
I don't have to look for you in any place
You are already here, with me
In the glance of a stranger
a kiss from a fleeting lover
in the accidental touch of two arms, sly love exchange
If I search for you, I will live blind.
If I try to keep you, my heart runs dry.
I don't have to look for you in any place
You are already here, with me
Why do I hide my body?
I don't even want to show it off
with heels that strain weight, create curves in calves
or props that push, hoist and press flesh
It's not that I have something to show
I just don't want to hide
the beauty of its vulnerability
the grandiosity of its Humanity
Where is Freedom when flesh is forbidden?
Why don't I restore the innocence of nature
and let it all hang out?
A message I had for another soul, who once explained that poetry is always written to oneself even if addressed to another:
"Just by Living - accepting the Gift of Life - you merit all of the Love of God." There is no act that can increase your value, for your value is inherent in your Being, and can never be struck. Perfection is You.
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